Postpartum update

Usually when I try to get pictures of Hyrum, I get something like this:

Rarely a serious face.

But on certain occasions, he is caught in sweet moments like this.


And this.


And often like this.


And look who's catching on.







THE LABOR:


Things usually go smooth for me when I have a baby. No c-sections. No hours of pushing.

I always get an epidural, so that helps a lot.

I honestly can't imagine why anyone would purposely choose to endure the pain of natural childbirth, unless their labor was so quick they had no option but to go natural. Anyone who has chosen the drug-free route and survived is a hero to me.
I'm not that brave.
I never will be.
I don't want to be.
Epidurals are AMAZING, though getting it put in this time was by far my worst experience. It gave me several shocks of pain in my back, like electrical shocks, that left tears streaming down my face. I tried to be brave, but in order for that to happen I needed to be holding Hyrum, but I couldn't because the pain guy was saying "It's extremely important that you don't move at all!", and it would require moving to have Hyrum come hold me. Next time, if there is a next time, I'll have him start out holding me instead of a nurse standing in front of me describing every move the pain guy was making, which only makes things worse for me. I don't like knowing that a needle is about to be inserted and that the catheter is giving the pain guy problems so he's going to try again, etc. I just want to be in Hyrum's arms where all my sadness and pain so easily melts away. Next time...

I love epidurals because I don't feel the pain until it's time to push, and then it's just serious pressure, not transition pain. I can take naps. I can smile and joke. I don't get irritated at people.

Hyrum loves for me to get epidurals because HE can nap, and doesn't have to watch me go through hours of pain. He doesn't get clawed, scratched, slapped, or squeezed. Well, actually, I did give him a titty-twister when I was pushing Talea out, but that was because he was standing there holding my leg and when I opened my eyes, I saw his chest and figured he could use a little pain right about then since I was in such stress pushing a head out. Maybe that's why he opts to be out of arms reach and delivery the baby instead of hold my leg.



THE DELIVERY:


For Paisli's birth, my doctor delivered the head himself since I didn't want to push. You've heard of a hemorrhoid, right? Lots of girls get them from pushing, or just from being pregnant with all the excess pressure down south.

If you've never had a hemorrhoid (internal or external), just keep your mouth shut and thank the butt devils who dish them out for passing you by. I don't want to hear about your pain-free hind end. It's not fair. You can NEVER imagine the pain and suffering a REAL hemi causes, and thus I would compare you to a guy trying to imagine the pain of childbirth. If you haven't experienced it, you can't imagine it. It's horrific!!! Period.

I get a hemi each time I push the babies out, so with this baby, I asked my doctor if I could just NOT push and let the contractions push the baby out so I wouldn't tear and would avoid a hemi. He said that was fine, especially since it's my 4th and should be easier to deliver. So that's what I did.

I was in a panic, crying and all, like I always do at the end. Darn Hyrum didn't want to take me up on my plea for him to take over and push the baby out since I had labored it this far, and he was actually excited because this is when he gets to take over and deliver the baby. Usually, the doctor lets Hyrum do everything, but since I was delivering my biggest baby yet, and I was a bit panicked, the doctor delivered the head himself to ensure that he could assist me with stretching and not pushing. I forgot to ask for a mirror to see what was happening, so before I knew it, he told me that if I gave him a push, the face would be out. I didn't even know the head was mostly out! I thought he was just stretching me! So I gave a small push (I refuse to do the "put your chin to your chest and push as hard as you can for 10 seconds" crap), and Voila! The head was out! Hyrum took over then, and he and the doctor worked on getting the shoulders out. That was tougher this time, so I had to give 2 more small pushes while the nurses pulled my legs out of the stirrups and back toward me, then I was done! Paisli was relatively easy to get out, being my 4th baby, but I have to say, this recovery is almost at tough as Talea's.

I have to brag about my amazing husband for a second. Paisli is the first of my babies that I've ever changed a meconium diaper on, and I only did it because I felt bad for Hyrum and wanted to let him sleep since he'd wrangled the kids and done everything after the birth to let me rest. When he woke up and found out I was doing it, he almost seemed sad that I didn't wake him up so I could rest more. Almost...

Hyrum always tackles the diapers for me! Each nurse would come in and be shocked to see Hyrum voluntarily jump in to diaper the baby, swaddle her (he's amazing at that, by the way), bathe her, dress her, check on my "injuries", doctor me, etc. He's not scared of anything to do with childbirth and babies and he is completely comfortable taking on any challenges either of those pose. He's been AMAZING each time I've had a baby, and I know most husbands aren't that helpful because the nurses were always shocked at how supportive and involved he was.



THE AFTERMATH:


Talea's pregnancy was the start of my varicose veins on the back of my knee, and her birth left me with hemorrhoids, tearing, and stitches, and she was only 5lbs 8 oz! It took 6 weeks recovery to feel semi-normal again. Poor Hyrum had to doctor me several times a day every day until I healed, and he never flinched or complained, though he did crack a lot of jokes about it all. He's one good hubby!

I sprained my ankle from falling while pregnant with Hyatt, and it bothers me still 3 years later. His birth left me with hemorrhoids and swelling, but a week later, I was feeling back to normal. Hyrum only had to doctor me for a couple of days.

Kiersa gave me a pyogenic granuloma that left me with a permanent scar on the side of my nose. Her birth left me with a hemorrhoid, but I was completely back to normal down south by the time I left the hospital 2 days later. I was amazed! I thought it must get easier with each baby!

This time around, after Paisli, I can't sit. Even with all the precautions I took, it's now 5 days after the birth, and I'm in worse condition than 5 seconds after the birth. It's another stinkin' hemi, and it didn't even rear it's ugly head until hours after the birth was over!! I had hardly any damage from the delivery. Everything happened after the fact.

Okay, this is going to get graphic, so I know of several of you readers out there that I'll keep anonymous that should just skip a few paragraphs. I don't want you saying "gross, how could you make this public" when I've forewarned you. I found this so amusing that I want to record it so Paisli knows just how much I sacrificed in order to bring her into the world.

During my hospital stay, when I'd tell the nurses about my pain, they'd of course want to see what I was complaining about, and none of them was prepared for what I had to offer. Every single one that took a look gave me similar reactions, ranging from "Oh, you poor girl!" to "Wow!" to "Oh my goodness!" to "That's not a hemorrhoid, that's a cauliflower!" to "You have your own testicles to compete with your husband now!" If that doesn't give you a horrific mental picture, I don't know what will.

I went to my doctor on Monday because no matter what I did, nothing helped. I'm using proctofoam, lidocaine, narcotics (norco or something like that), stool softeners, and ibuprofen (all prescribed), yet I haven't found relief. My doctor hadn't seen my rear since the birth, and I'm telling you, after Paisli's birth, my hind end looked the best it had of any of my kids. It wasn't until hours after the birth that things "blew up". He took one look and his exact words were "Oh yeah, those are bad!" He referred me to a surgeon since he'd done everything he could for me. I saw the surgeon today, and when he saw me (keep in mind this man has seen a lot of hemorrhoids in his life), his exact word was "Wow!" He thought it would be funny for me to post a picture of them on the internet as an example of a really bad case. Nice. Just what I want...my massive hemi floating around on cyberspace.

None of this is comforting to me. I am nothing but uncomfortable right now! So I have a follow-up appointment in a week with the surgeon, then I'm getting my 12 cylinder hemi removed so I will never have to deal with these stupid suckers again. Once they're gone, they don't grow back. I have to wait for some reduction in swelling to have the surgery in order to avoid getting too much scar tissue. I can't wait to sit again! I can't wait to have a normal posterior again! You will never know how much you take your bum for granted until you can't use it properly. It's awful!

So now that you're all wanting to projectile vomit from reading this graphic account of my pain, you can maybe understand why I say this recovery is really bad. Any recovery that requires surgical intervention isn't a good one.